My husband has PTSD and 90% of the time is in a depression and/or angry. Some days much worse than others. I know there is also genetics involved. Not just what he went through in the military. I’ve been wanting to start my own Substack about my experiences with him but I don’t even know where to start.
Gee man, that's rough. Please accept my deepest condolences!
I guess this is one of the biggest lies of the current "enlightened" era: that men are now encouraged to show rather than swallow emotion like earlier is absolute🤬, alas. Don't know if that is remotely what happened to your late friend, but in my experience, if one is male and shows genuine emotion, one will be dismissed as a weakling even more brutally than before. But like I said, could be totally unrelated. Am somehow reminded of the self-exit of Aias the Greater...and just how Odysseus, upon glimpsing his shadow in Hades, gets what is quite recognizably an attack of PTSD, and then calms himself down by switching to mythological characters and their stories. And hey, if it could happen to Aias the Greater with his bearlike strength and shield of seven oxhides, means it can happen to literally anyone, no matter how strong. May your friend rest in peace.
This post hits hard. It's a raw, personal look at the invisible battles so many men face, especially in tough jobs like policing. The mix of nostalgia for simpler times—the blackbirds singing, the brotherhood of youth—and the tragic reality of loss is powerful. It’s a painful reminder how much silence and stigma around mental health can cost lives. The call to speak up, to break the silence, feels urgent and necessary. This isn’t just a story about one man, it’s about a whole generation struggling to find a new way to be strong without shutting down.
I think as we get older we all go through these times. It's not restricted to age. My son lost one of his best friends from school in a similar way when he was still in his twenties.
I remember as if it were yesterday seeing a friend's number on my phone and thinking "Good, I've been meaning to call A. and go down to South Australia and see him".
His response to "Hi How are you?" was that he had cancer and only weeks to live. I cursed all the times I meant to call or go see him and didn't.
There's nothing you can do. I always think of Warren Zevon's lines from "Accidentally Like a Martyr"
'The days slide by
Should have done, should have done, we all sigh
Never thought I'd ever be so lonely
After such a long, long time
Time out of mind'
Here's a more uplifting song that your description of blackbirds brought to mind:
Almost forgot - are the blackbirds (my favorite birds when I was a child) called "Kos" in Greek? If so, just to let you know that we use the exact same word...
I’m so very sorry for your loss. So heart breaking. We never truly know what someone is going through. Reasons why people take their own lives are quite complex. We, too have public campaigns for suicide prevention here in the states and it has helped, somewhat, mainly amongst young people. Unfortunately, middle aged men and elderly rates have not decreased. And as you mentioned, law enforcement is disproportionately represented. Try not to feel guilty. It is helpful that you are writing about this painful experience. Keep expressing your feelings and keep hope alive for others.
Beautifully and touchingly written, Konstantinos! Blackbirds were my favorite bird when I was a kid back in the early 80s. And as you know, I also lost a friend in a similar manner recently, and have to say you described my feelings there too. I did have enough of a psychologist training to know that the "I should have done something...!" part is useless, though. And having also had a divorce from hell some years ago, I now know both way too much about PTSD, and also do not have to guess, but know for certain that in spite of all the woke brouhaha about "men needing to show emotion", if one is actually naïve enough to believe it and try that, well turns out the general reaction is just as brutal as back in the Bronze Age or even the effing Neolithic - one immediately gets interpreted as a weakling, and is treated as a doormat. May actually have gotten MORE brutal in that respect, actually.
A thing about PTSD too: many ppl seem to believe that it requires participation in war, but that is just a stereotype, prob there because war brings it out very effectively. But PTSD can and does happen to anyone who at some point has to experience how all of his or her social beliefs and ideas about how society works and how everything ought to be done no longer hold. One cannot help but see how fragile and by no means G_d-given those safety assumptions of ordinary society really are.
There are a movie and a book that I always recommend to anyone trying to understand PTSD. The book is "The Sorrow of War - A Novel of North Vietnam" by Bao Ninh. Some 150+ pages of pure distilled PTSD. Bao Ninh began by fighting the colonial French, then continued fighting the US till the war ended. He was a member of the "Glorious Youth Brigade". Out of some 600 of them, exactly 10 survived, including Bao Ninh himself. The movie is "Waltz With Bashir" by Ari Folman, about the Israeli troops in Lebanon in '82.
PS Also (and oh may there never be any need for it!), but if you are ever in a situation that brings you all the way to the edge, do drop me a note, any time of day or night. See, many years ago, back in 2001 before I even met my ex, I once stood above the subway tracks in Vienna thinking about jumping for the first and last time ever. Was closest I ever came to doing something like that. And I like to remember that when things get tough, because I can also vouch that my current feelings about that episode are literally: "What the f... was I even thinking back then - that THAT stupid thing was worth it? (It was a hopeless and thoroughly imbecilic infatuation, of all things.) Boy was I deluded then, and in the dumbest way imaginable...!"
Ante, I really appreciate your comment. It's true that I'm in a bad place the past year. But all this connection, writing, reading, studying, trying to find ways to spread my wings, really helps a lot.
I've watched Waltz with Basir but I haven't read The Sorrow of War. It really sounds interesting and bite-sized. I'll definitely look it up.
Yeah, I feel it too. Thanks.
I got you man.
My husband has PTSD and 90% of the time is in a depression and/or angry. Some days much worse than others. I know there is also genetics involved. Not just what he went through in the military. I’ve been wanting to start my own Substack about my experiences with him but I don’t even know where to start.
They do suffer in silence often.
All I can say is thank you for putting up with him and that I believe writing about it will help. Well, it does for me at least.
I think it will help, too. Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much.
Força, man.
Deve ser difícil mesmo. Acho que o nosso mundo está cada mais carragado de incertezas e essas incertezas nos adoecem e sugam a nossa alegria.
Viver é mais do que viver, é sofrer e, muitas vezes, desistir.
Espero que você supere essa perda.
Parabéns pelo texto.
Beautifully written, thank you for this, truly. I need to reach out more to old friends, we always think we have all the time in the world.
Thank you, Bill. You should call them.
Gee man, that's rough. Please accept my deepest condolences!
I guess this is one of the biggest lies of the current "enlightened" era: that men are now encouraged to show rather than swallow emotion like earlier is absolute🤬, alas. Don't know if that is remotely what happened to your late friend, but in my experience, if one is male and shows genuine emotion, one will be dismissed as a weakling even more brutally than before. But like I said, could be totally unrelated. Am somehow reminded of the self-exit of Aias the Greater...and just how Odysseus, upon glimpsing his shadow in Hades, gets what is quite recognizably an attack of PTSD, and then calms himself down by switching to mythological characters and their stories. And hey, if it could happen to Aias the Greater with his bearlike strength and shield of seven oxhides, means it can happen to literally anyone, no matter how strong. May your friend rest in peace.
Thank you, Ante. I appreciate the kind words. I often find refuge in the classics, revisiting some of my favorite parts.
This post hits hard. It's a raw, personal look at the invisible battles so many men face, especially in tough jobs like policing. The mix of nostalgia for simpler times—the blackbirds singing, the brotherhood of youth—and the tragic reality of loss is powerful. It’s a painful reminder how much silence and stigma around mental health can cost lives. The call to speak up, to break the silence, feels urgent and necessary. This isn’t just a story about one man, it’s about a whole generation struggling to find a new way to be strong without shutting down.
I am deeply sorry for the loss of your friend.
Thank you so much.
🙏🙏🙏
I think as we get older we all go through these times. It's not restricted to age. My son lost one of his best friends from school in a similar way when he was still in his twenties.
I remember as if it were yesterday seeing a friend's number on my phone and thinking "Good, I've been meaning to call A. and go down to South Australia and see him".
His response to "Hi How are you?" was that he had cancer and only weeks to live. I cursed all the times I meant to call or go see him and didn't.
There's nothing you can do. I always think of Warren Zevon's lines from "Accidentally Like a Martyr"
'The days slide by
Should have done, should have done, we all sigh
Never thought I'd ever be so lonely
After such a long, long time
Time out of mind'
Here's a more uplifting song that your description of blackbirds brought to mind:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Man4Xw8Xypo&ra=m
Thank you, Phillip. May we remember them with kindness.
Almost forgot - are the blackbirds (my favorite birds when I was a child) called "Kos" in Greek? If so, just to let you know that we use the exact same word...
Close: they're called Kotsyfi.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. So heart breaking. We never truly know what someone is going through. Reasons why people take their own lives are quite complex. We, too have public campaigns for suicide prevention here in the states and it has helped, somewhat, mainly amongst young people. Unfortunately, middle aged men and elderly rates have not decreased. And as you mentioned, law enforcement is disproportionately represented. Try not to feel guilty. It is helpful that you are writing about this painful experience. Keep expressing your feelings and keep hope alive for others.
Writing does help. Comments like yours also. Thank you, Suzan.
What a devastating loss... I'm so so sorry.
Sending love and compassion to you, A and his family.
Thank you, Eleni.
Beautifully and touchingly written, Konstantinos! Blackbirds were my favorite bird when I was a kid back in the early 80s. And as you know, I also lost a friend in a similar manner recently, and have to say you described my feelings there too. I did have enough of a psychologist training to know that the "I should have done something...!" part is useless, though. And having also had a divorce from hell some years ago, I now know both way too much about PTSD, and also do not have to guess, but know for certain that in spite of all the woke brouhaha about "men needing to show emotion", if one is actually naïve enough to believe it and try that, well turns out the general reaction is just as brutal as back in the Bronze Age or even the effing Neolithic - one immediately gets interpreted as a weakling, and is treated as a doormat. May actually have gotten MORE brutal in that respect, actually.
A thing about PTSD too: many ppl seem to believe that it requires participation in war, but that is just a stereotype, prob there because war brings it out very effectively. But PTSD can and does happen to anyone who at some point has to experience how all of his or her social beliefs and ideas about how society works and how everything ought to be done no longer hold. One cannot help but see how fragile and by no means G_d-given those safety assumptions of ordinary society really are.
There are a movie and a book that I always recommend to anyone trying to understand PTSD. The book is "The Sorrow of War - A Novel of North Vietnam" by Bao Ninh. Some 150+ pages of pure distilled PTSD. Bao Ninh began by fighting the colonial French, then continued fighting the US till the war ended. He was a member of the "Glorious Youth Brigade". Out of some 600 of them, exactly 10 survived, including Bao Ninh himself. The movie is "Waltz With Bashir" by Ari Folman, about the Israeli troops in Lebanon in '82.
PS Also (and oh may there never be any need for it!), but if you are ever in a situation that brings you all the way to the edge, do drop me a note, any time of day or night. See, many years ago, back in 2001 before I even met my ex, I once stood above the subway tracks in Vienna thinking about jumping for the first and last time ever. Was closest I ever came to doing something like that. And I like to remember that when things get tough, because I can also vouch that my current feelings about that episode are literally: "What the f... was I even thinking back then - that THAT stupid thing was worth it? (It was a hopeless and thoroughly imbecilic infatuation, of all things.) Boy was I deluded then, and in the dumbest way imaginable...!"
Ante, I really appreciate your comment. It's true that I'm in a bad place the past year. But all this connection, writing, reading, studying, trying to find ways to spread my wings, really helps a lot.
I've watched Waltz with Basir but I haven't read The Sorrow of War. It really sounds interesting and bite-sized. I'll definitely look it up.
Thank you again.
Moving post, SH. I too have an A and this hit very close to home - including the “what if.” Sending condolences and warmth your way.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
😢💔
😮💨💔